Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
