I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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