Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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