I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm way too hungover for life right now
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
