It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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