Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
