so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
