He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
