I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
