saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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