Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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