Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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