i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
