Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
