I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
