dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
