I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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