I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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