I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
