I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
