I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
