This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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