The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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