Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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