What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
