yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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