im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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