do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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