here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
