i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
