Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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