Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
