my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
