the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
