When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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