I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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