it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
well you can't waste a boner
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
