Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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