the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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