she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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