we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
