Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
