I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
