just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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