last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
