I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
