the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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