we're blogging at a bar
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
