bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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