i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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