i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
