I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
