The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
