you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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