When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
