i just sent this text using only my big toe
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
