Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Randomize
